Trailblazin Ministries Blog

Faith

Heavy Hearted Thoughts

Written by LaRosa Johnson
Wednesday, 23 January 2008
Filed under: Faith, LaRosa, Ministry

I sit here typing this tonight with a bit of a heavy heart and a lot weighing on my mind. I just got off the phone with my bro, Antoine, and we were chopping it up about some things. He had called to speak about some things that were going on in his life and we ended up going back & forth sharing what was on our heart. Well, to further get things off my chest, I'm writing this.

Everything around me points perfectly to the fact that I am exactly where God wants me to be at this point in time, from my job to church, even down to the friends I have made while being here. I find it all to be a bit overwhelming though. Not that any of that is overwhelming, but I feel inadequate or deficient in many areas of my life, or just not equipped to handle.

One of those areas is Bible doctrine and study, which is really the primary concern for me at the moment. I have issues elsewhere, but they are minor when compared to this area, at least in my eyes. You see, I hold the Word of God above all else and I have been doing my best to live it out as best I can within the confines of my everyday life. In the devotion series that I am doing for Trailblazin Ministries, I am currently studying to begin teaching on James 3, but I have not been able to write for days (I forced myself to get an introduction to the chapter done) because I am literally scared at the implications of what I am reading and what's staring me in the face. I have been stuck staring at James 3:1 for days not able to do anything but stare at it and evaluate my life and ministry. It reads:

James 3:1 (NASB) - Let not many of you become teachers my brethren, knowing that as such we will incur a stricter judgment.

I know for a fact that God has given me the spiritual gift of teaching, but that scares me to the core. I was recently looking at my old devotions, skimming over them, and I was disgusted with the lack of doctrine and sound teaching that 95% or more of them contained. I'm a teacher and I was mishandling the Scripture left and right, leading people astray. I have since removed them all from my database, but even still, it pains me to know that many can still be found via Internet archives and the like. For instance, when I originally did my study on prayer about two years ago (maybe 1.5 years ago), when I read it again, I almost wanted to puke as I was staring at a teaching that I was touting as sound doctrine, but was nothing more than a man-centered doctrine laced in prosperity theology, as if God were some genie at our beck & call. Needless to say, I just recently spent the sum total of a couple months rewriting that teaching so as to teach a more accurate handling of the Biblical text. I was burdened every step of the way writing that teaching because I knew just how important it was for me to get it right and not make the same mistake I made the previous time.

I will admit that I am getting better in handling the Scripture, but I do still rely heavily upon commentaries and the works of others to aid me in my studies. On the one hand, there is nothing wrong with that, but on the other I wish to be able to work harder at understanding the text on my own without depending upon a commentary. I will say though that I will not forsake the studies of those who have come before me as they undoubtedly know more than I, but it must remain at the forefront that these works are not the Bible, and only man's thoughts on the Bible.

That commentary tangent aside, I feel weighed down with the amount that I am attempting to study & digest at this point in time. Indeed, I am learning the Scriptures, but I am not sure of how much I am retaining or applying to my life. In some regard, I feel like I'm trying to do too much and setting the bar too high for myself. This is all that I'm doing and/or listening to routinely, let me begin with what I'm studying on my own:

• The Old Testament in a year (chronologically)
• James (for the TM devo series)
• Currently studying for "Worship" & "Live" teachings
• Daily New Testament reading (currently all of James)
• Greek textbook for my Greek class
• (Soon to be Systematic Theology again starting in March)

Here's what I'm studying @ church and/or listening to via podcast:

• Timothy, 1 Corinthians, & Life of Christ (@ Austin Bible Church)
• John MacArthur
• Alistair Begg
• John Piper
• Epiphany Fellowship
• Way of the Master Radio

Granted, most of the podcasts I listen to are for during the workday when I want something wholesome to fill my ears. The reasoning behind it is because I trust these men to teach the Word of God and to handle the texts properly, granted we differ in a few areas theologically; and with that, I have a burning desire to learn as much and to just be saturated with the Word. I have a fire and passion to have the Word of God around me 24/7 whether I'm listening to it or reading it for myself. But is that too much for one person to try to take in? Am I over-saturating myself with the Word? That last question sounds foolish to me because how can you get too much of God's Word! I will say, though, that one benefit to the podcasts is variety; it allows me the opportunity to hear different styles of preaching that I otherwise wouldn't get if I only listened to my pastor (not to say that his teaching is deficient in any way, but sometimes you just need a different style to keep things fresh).

Nevertheless, I feel as if I'm at a crossroads where a decision needs to be made about the direction of things. I know and feel like I'm doing too much, but I don't want to put any of it down because I see a benefit to it all. I could possibly cut back on a podcast or two, or trim back on some of what I do on TM, but I don't see where else I can cut the fat, as there isn't much fat to cut away. I understand that I'm undergoing ministry training right now and I know that it's going to be difficult, but seriously, am I doing too much? For instance, I know what the Lord has entrusted me with in TM, and I often think of sitting it down for a season so as to not carry that extra burden, but I can never seem to put it down because I know that it's teaching people the Word and I feel as if I'm neglecting my gift by not continuing and pressing on. I constantly get told that I write a lot, but in my heart, I feel like I don't write nearly enough. If I had my way, I would be writing a devotion everyday of the week and putting out a Bible study weekly or bi-weekly. That's how much the passion burns inside of me, but the energy and hours in the day just aren't there to make it all happen (unless I just stopped sleeping altogether).

I look at my pastor and wonder how he does it. He preaches 4-5 times a week, goes to several prayer meetings during the week, along with all of his other pastoral duties, yet he never misses a beat. Now toss in the fact that a few years ago he was doing this full-time while also working a full-time job (with a wife & kids no less). He's able to do all of that and bring some of the most in-depth teaching I've ever witnessed, yet I struggle with getting a devotion or study written. Plus, I see just how far I have to go when I look at him. As someone who never attended seminary, he is so well versed in the original texts, church history, and almost anything else you would want to know. For example, today at church he was teaching on the Life of Christ in Mark 9:38-41 and noted how in verse 38 the phrase "tried to prevent" is technically incorrect when looking at the Greek; there is no "tried to" because the Greek reads that they "did prevent" and not simply tried. In my own studies, I would have missed something like that, which can completely change ones understanding of the text, and shows just how much further I have to go and how much more intense my studies need to be. Yes, my pastor sets the bar pretty high, but why not aspire to that level of being able to handle the Scriptures?

Again, I go back to James 3:1 and all of this weighs heavy on me. I want so much to be a good teacher; I don't want to fail, and I most assuredly do not want to disappoint my Savior. I look at His perfection and I see just how imperfect I am; yet He has entrusted this imperfect man with the responsibility of preaching His gospel. How crazy is that?! I will say that this doesn't scare me to the point of quitting the ministry, but it keeps me extremely humbled and constantly before His throne seeking His grace.

That's my heart, as best as I can put it into words... so, pray for a brother, would you?